Well during the last 6 months a few things have come home to me.
1. Never underestimate the power of the universe, Murphy's law applies to everything
2. The fires of temperance don't take any notice of stiff upper lips and broomsticks up backsides.
3. Things change.
These are the aforementioned laws.
In January all was well, I was running a very active coven with some great people. There were workshops organised and all was good.
However there was a little beastie hanging around in the back ground.
Back in August I lost my mother. That seems such a strange phrase I lost her. To be honest I never really had her at all. My mum was a complicated woman who, battled continually through her life. Our relationship was always difficult and I always felt cheated that I never had the relationship that I wanted.
So when she died I expected to shrug and carry on as I always had done
So imagine my surprise when over the next couple of months my world fell into a very dark place.
I locked out everyone in my coven and was to be honest very hurtful to several of my group. I think looking back that was an attempt to not allow them to see me at a very weak point.
I was fine!!! I was Strong!!! but in reality I was hiding away from feelings that I did not expect.
I think that part of me was devastated by the loss of the mother I wanted, not really by the loss of the mother I had.
I was proud that, even though, our relationship through the years had been a challenge,I had in the last 8 weeks of her life managed a semblance of a relationship that I wanted. She was my mum, we laughed, we sat and shared photos, we talked about things that were mundane, everyday and I loved it.
I rubbed her back when she was in pain I was a daughter in the proper sense of the word.
And then She was Gone.
But not only was she gone, all potential for that relationship that I had been jealous of all my life, you know the one that all other girls have with their mums, The talking, the shopping trips, the moments of mundanity that I had in those last weeks of her life were all ripped away again from me.
When she died we organised the funeral, I sorted out her clothes, And I managed to keep it all together, hidden, well I was a teacher of the craft, I have done my shadow stuff, How can I teach others to cope with their stuff if I cannot do it myself.
Needless to say it did not go as planned.
I ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction to everyone that tried to help me
I disbanded the coven,
I cancelled all of the workshops that I had spent a long time organising.
I swore that I was finished with the craft and all the people in it. I hid in my cupboard for about 5 weeks, during that five weeks I had time to come to terms (well nearly) with some of the issues that I had with my mum.
But I was still not coming out of my cupboard. I tried to avoid people as much as I could but in the end, luckily for me I had strong dragons that gradually pulled me out of that cupboard.
They could see I was in pain and in that pain was lashing out in a mix of anger at the universe and at myself for being so fucking weak.
That showed me that what I had built had value, that DragonOak was important to more than just me, That it mattered in their lives, that I had made a contribution to their lives that was valued.
that there was a way forward if I would just accept help.
In the end I did, those who know me well will understand how hard that was but falling apart is the best thing that has ever happened to me, it certainly taught me that waterproof mascara is the way to go!
I learned a couple of things that made me run the gambit of emotions
People will always surprise you for good and for bad.
I am stronger than I thought I was
Love will beat grief and self pity every time.
That the path I am on gives value not only to me but to others that are involved with it.
That its ok to let go of people that you love, that you and they will survive.
I think that this past year will still take a lot of dealing with. I think that there are some relationships that were damaged during this time that will never be mended and thats ok.
I think that others will be stronger.
and I think I will be stronger for realising its ok to be weak on occasion, its ok to say HELP now and then
So if you are feeling weak or fragile at the moment, and think no one understands.
I do I have been there and will probably go there again , its ok to fall apart, its ok to ask for help, its ok to be weak, its part of being on the path, its part of being human and that in itself is divine.
Now I KNOW that when I fall down the next time, and there will be a next time, there are people there to catch me and I will also endevour to catch others when they are in need of support.
If you let them people into your inner world, scary though that may be, they will surprise you.
When your ego says zig and life says fuck that zag bitch.
When you get in your groove and your groove opens into a chasm which has you falling
Or is it flying
Depends on how you view it
I choose Falling but with Style!!!
Change makes thought
Thought begets growth
Growth begets new cycles
New cycles begat new learning
New learning makes for a bigger life
All hail Eris, maker of change
Defeater of plans and maker of new ones